The Dead End

It's now 4AM and m still aint sleepy..thx to massive dose of puffs and smoke...Last few days I was in home..so I hadn't smoked a single stick...so I thot that this time I will defn quit smoking for sure...but fate had different plans...and in last few hours I really puffed a lot....and a lot is a real lot coz if a smoker like me says it a lot..then it is one...thought of puffing weeds too..but thx to Monsoon and my carelessness ..I hadn't wrapped the wrappers well..so wen I opened the wraps to make the joint..I found it all under white sheets of molds :P..I fink the fungi must had enjoyed a lot gorging on my weed stock....lol

So coming to the point...the turn I was talking abt in my notice actually proved itself as the Dead end...I was on vacation for last 16 days and she gave a good thought abt our relationship in the mean time..and found the conclusion that we will not be happy together coz of the following reasons:

1) I don't venture outta my secured circle which is very unlike her. In short..I don't take any risks in my life..so she is afraid that I won't let her work and think independently and will not allow her to try out new career ventures..
May be she is right in this point..after all I am a middle class guy who wants his wife to be home even if she works, at the end of the day, near him so that wen he comes back from the office he can feel her presence in the home rather than leaving her messages on fone to call back wenever she comes back home from work in any other city...and she is the one who wants to see the horizon not from far but from the horizon itself...
Guess wat..I did gave it a thot wen she cleared her MBA entrance that since m gonna get a PhD degree.. i will settle wid her wherever she gets a good job even if it means that I had to teach in any private college or teach kids tuitions...but I don't think so that she will take this risk....
My Mom and my frnds always told me that I wud be the best husband one can ever get...but I don't think she has the same opinion...may be because I told her one day that after marriage wateva money she will earn.... it will be our money not hers..so she will have to to take mutual consent before spending money even if she is helping her parents..may be I was wrong there in thonking that the family we will have shud hav the highest priority..so that money can be well planned and spent on our family which will have her and my parents as members....

2) she has a cousin bro whom she is very close and some how he don' like me..this was the reason wen she dumped me for the fst time in February that her brother disapproved this relationship coz she never told it to her brother..so he took it as betrayal and she wanted to correct the situation by dumping ,e..still I never ever remembered saying that he will not be a part of our family..but she is scared that I might change my opinion and will not let her meet her bro ever... after the marriage...and she clearly told me today that she won't marry anyone including me if he comes between their relation...she must be right here too coz I remembered saying to her that after the marriage I shud be her fst priority not her brother but that sentence never finished like...her brother shud mind his own business or she shud stay away from him...

3) Since I took up this break up episode lightly and actually switched to a topic that where to get loans for her MBA..she thinks that I don't have any seriousness in this relationship and we actually crib a lot and she don't want that I make any compromises for running the relation smoothly.. thx to 'Mills n Boon' ..she has this opinion that in any relationship where two people who come from two different circles and status ( She is a Delhite and from a quite upper class and me a small town boy who grew up with middle class values) don't make any compromises rather they just incorporate the changes widout any adjustment like in some fantasy lands of those books..May be she is right here too coz after all m a middle class boy who never got to touch those books coz they were unnecessary financial burdens and my family thot it wud be best if I read text books instead ...now I feel like reading them so that I can understand how two person stay together widout making any compromises..


It's not like I dint tried to stop her from dumping me.. In actual, I was in all tears while she was saying those ...as I was scared of loosing her...
But she was quite firm..so wen I asked her is it means that she is not ready for commitment ..In reply she said that from my words she got.... for me commitment means getting a robot not a wife who will obey all my commands not even listening to my explanation of commitment which means facing all the troubles together...
and then her tone got quite harsh and insulting..as if the grudge was stored from a long time..so unable to bear more ..I told her...

Let's not fight...Motion's passed..her points are justified... I will back up her decision of quitting the relationship which we nurtured together for two years thinking that we wud stay together happily ever after...

But I don't blame her..coz after all commitment is a mutual decision and I shud respect her opinion coz at the end of the day it is her who wud have to face an unworthy, insensitive and intolerable husband like me....and i really appreciate that she actually waited for my return to say it, rather than spoiling my picture perfect vacation...which I will detail you soon... abt the time I spent with my mom and dad..

And also for a change this time I will not quit blogging....so will stay in touch wid you all..

It's now 6:05 AM and am still not sleepy..so I guess it's time to go for a bike ride and the icing on the cake is the beautiful downpour that's continuing outside synchronous with my tears...at least I won't have to hide my tears then...

Love n carez