The Dead End

It's now 4AM and m still aint sleepy..thx to massive dose of puffs and smoke...Last few days I was in home..so I hadn't smoked a single stick...so I thot that this time I will defn quit smoking for sure...but fate had different plans...and in last few hours I really puffed a lot....and a lot is a real lot coz if a smoker like me says it a lot..then it is one...thought of puffing weeds too..but thx to Monsoon and my carelessness ..I hadn't wrapped the wrappers well..so wen I opened the wraps to make the joint..I found it all under white sheets of molds :P..I fink the fungi must had enjoyed a lot gorging on my weed stock....lol

So coming to the point...the turn I was talking abt in my notice actually proved itself as the Dead end...I was on vacation for last 16 days and she gave a good thought abt our relationship in the mean time..and found the conclusion that we will not be happy together coz of the following reasons:

1) I don't venture outta my secured circle which is very unlike her. In short..I don't take any risks in my life..so she is afraid that I won't let her work and think independently and will not allow her to try out new career ventures..
May be she is right in this point..after all I am a middle class guy who wants his wife to be home even if she works, at the end of the day, near him so that wen he comes back from the office he can feel her presence in the home rather than leaving her messages on fone to call back wenever she comes back home from work in any other city...and she is the one who wants to see the horizon not from far but from the horizon itself...
Guess wat..I did gave it a thot wen she cleared her MBA entrance that since m gonna get a PhD degree.. i will settle wid her wherever she gets a good job even if it means that I had to teach in any private college or teach kids tuitions...but I don't think so that she will take this risk....
My Mom and my frnds always told me that I wud be the best husband one can ever get...but I don't think she has the same opinion...may be because I told her one day that after marriage wateva money she will earn.... it will be our money not hers..so she will have to to take mutual consent before spending money even if she is helping her parents..may be I was wrong there in thonking that the family we will have shud hav the highest priority..so that money can be well planned and spent on our family which will have her and my parents as members....

2) she has a cousin bro whom she is very close and some how he don' like me..this was the reason wen she dumped me for the fst time in February that her brother disapproved this relationship coz she never told it to her brother..so he took it as betrayal and she wanted to correct the situation by dumping ,e..still I never ever remembered saying that he will not be a part of our family..but she is scared that I might change my opinion and will not let her meet her bro ever... after the marriage...and she clearly told me today that she won't marry anyone including me if he comes between their relation...she must be right here too coz I remembered saying to her that after the marriage I shud be her fst priority not her brother but that sentence never finished like...her brother shud mind his own business or she shud stay away from him...

3) Since I took up this break up episode lightly and actually switched to a topic that where to get loans for her MBA..she thinks that I don't have any seriousness in this relationship and we actually crib a lot and she don't want that I make any compromises for running the relation smoothly.. thx to 'Mills n Boon' ..she has this opinion that in any relationship where two people who come from two different circles and status ( She is a Delhite and from a quite upper class and me a small town boy who grew up with middle class values) don't make any compromises rather they just incorporate the changes widout any adjustment like in some fantasy lands of those books..May be she is right here too coz after all m a middle class boy who never got to touch those books coz they were unnecessary financial burdens and my family thot it wud be best if I read text books instead ...now I feel like reading them so that I can understand how two person stay together widout making any compromises..


It's not like I dint tried to stop her from dumping me.. In actual, I was in all tears while she was saying those ...as I was scared of loosing her...
But she was quite firm..so wen I asked her is it means that she is not ready for commitment ..In reply she said that from my words she got.... for me commitment means getting a robot not a wife who will obey all my commands not even listening to my explanation of commitment which means facing all the troubles together...
and then her tone got quite harsh and insulting..as if the grudge was stored from a long time..so unable to bear more ..I told her...

Let's not fight...Motion's passed..her points are justified... I will back up her decision of quitting the relationship which we nurtured together for two years thinking that we wud stay together happily ever after...

But I don't blame her..coz after all commitment is a mutual decision and I shud respect her opinion coz at the end of the day it is her who wud have to face an unworthy, insensitive and intolerable husband like me....and i really appreciate that she actually waited for my return to say it, rather than spoiling my picture perfect vacation...which I will detail you soon... abt the time I spent with my mom and dad..

And also for a change this time I will not quit blogging....so will stay in touch wid you all..

It's now 6:05 AM and am still not sleepy..so I guess it's time to go for a bike ride and the icing on the cake is the beautiful downpour that's continuing outside synchronous with my tears...at least I won't have to hide my tears then...

Love n carez

Immodesty.........

It is been long and I really can't see this blog..my baby sitting here alone in despair and me overlooking its loneliness to live alone..
I m so indebted to the readers..they never left this blog alone..though some had..but I still have a formidable hit per day..and then I thot it's not better to disappoint the frnds wen everytime they hit the button to my blog..they see despair...

So here is post abt a boy who thot himself as the greatest soul of the universe...few excerpts from the diary dated not long back......


January 2006 : Hehehe m in IT-BHU and I know so much..these people around me all are fools...who cares abt them...

February 2006: Me so alone..these people all they do is lobbying... why they are so against me..

March 2006: Orkut...yippiee I completed 100 scraps..uff it's been three months m here ..thx to Kunal...

April 2006: Oh boy! m so famous now..i completed 500 scraps today..these gals are so impressed by me..I just increased my scraps by 400 in just a month..

May 2006: She is so much in love with me..she has gone addicted to me..she is not giving me my breathing space....
Oh my god! these guys have so 6000 and more scraps and m here wid only 700...shitt...

June 2006 : they were so surprised that I touched their scrap count and gonna surpass them..heehehe Noone can challenge me

June 2006 : Who is this gal..wat she thinks of herself..my god so much attitude...now she is my target....
oh my god..she is so beautiful..I was so mesmerised by seeing her album..and she got a lovely name too..and her dp is so lovely..

July 2006 : heheheh no one can resist my charm...now the gals count in my life is so high...and my scrap count has crossed 15k..

December 2006: I m so confused..whom do I love..these both gals are crazy for me...

January 2007: Fuck...How cud I tell her that I took her as a challenge..how could i be so confident..that I told her that I won you by my charm..she is just a kid who loved me like anything and how cud I hurt her...will she ever return back...

February 2007..I waited for her one month..now m sure it's that attitude gal whom i love...shud I propose her..

March 2007.. She is back and now m so confused..both are so good and I can't leave either of them...

29th March 2007...Today is my birthday and she left me..I told her one thing only that she can't leave me and I challenge her that she won't be able to resist my charm...

May 2007..I am so wrong...she never will return back..but I have her..I will hold on to her..

August 2007..Now I got in PhD...I am invincible....

October 2007..she agreed..afta long she said me I love you too...I won the battle...

November 2007...She is so naive ..how could she say me Immodest..if I kno more than her..if I have more degree than her..watever I say she will always feel me immodest..she is so damn jealous...

January 2008.. Now my fellowship is been approved..yippie 63 k in my account..I m so rich..I have got a pulsar too...m the smartest..

February 2008... We met and we parted

March 2008..She is calling me immodest more than ever ..m feeling so irritated..it's beyond the limit..wat's my fault if I kno more than her..

March 29 2008:... Today is my bday..and even my mom dad forgot to call me up..i had to remind them..mom it's my bday..i don't blame..they are off for vacation afta so long... didi too forgot...now i have to remind her too..let me call her...

April 2008.. I am becoming more and more intolerable to her

May 2008.. How cud she never understood me..she always took my protection to her as my immodesty..she said I don't listen to her...fuck ...I think I am really an Immodest freak...


Yesterday....She don't want to stay wid me...fuck I never understood that's my immodesty ..my self pride is undermining them and now no one is sure that they can live wid me happily...
fuck I lost all of my close ones due to this ...Now I will have to be all alone...

Today... there is nuthing in my life to write about...I owe all of them an apology..and the punch line of the day... "You think urself as The Sourish...whom no gal can dump..."..I think she and my all prev relations had worked hard to prove me wrong there.. :)..

Freedom of Expression- A right widely abused..

I was Thinking to write sumthing sweeter...but today sumthing went seriously wrong...and I was forced to write sumthing that I kno most of the bloggerville won't ever agree to my views..This article goes to all those people who think their expression are harmless even wen they write so provocative...and think...I m honest to myself..so the world will see the good in me...

Freedom of expression is the the right to express ur views and you can't be prosecuted on it...Most of the third world countries haven't given it to their citizens as their infrastructure is not that well equipped to handle this..but in India and now the boom in the cyber communication hav enabled a hell lot of people to exercise this right...it is very powerful as the media and ur expression are the tool that can be manipulated to raise a furore or to calm a storm...

"So wat's wrong in it...people can pour their heart out..it should be reader's n listener's discretion to control wat to grasp and wat to leave... isn't it..??"

yeah u may be absolutely right.....so what about ur moral responsibilities?

"Moral responsibility..???fuk man wat does society gave me that I wud be morally responsible toward it...I damn care...." this is the common answer pops in...
"and moreover I never told you to read those...I wrote it coz I felt it..and I wanna let people kno abt it...if u don't like it..shove the disliking back in ur... " comes the second answer.

So answer is...the clothes u wear, the food u eat, the luxury u travel in, even the electricity and the internet connection comes to you by a collective effort of several persons working on it and they are the part of the society..so now u still feel u don't have anything to give back to society...

" fuk man..I pay taxes" pops in another answer...

Oh so u pay tax ..and pay for all the things makes u the right holder to use it aneways...
what if the ISP providers bombs you wid a virus and corrupts ur hard disk..and u complain to them and they say..okay ..you don't have to pay for the net and we are disconnecting it...then wat u do... u talk abt ethics and morality of the providers..

Now u see...the morality is the term which we use wen sumbody tries to take us from behind...

This is the basic problem with the so called modern society..when the constitution was written..they put fundamental before rights and moral before duties..Right is well protected while u can show the middle finger to people wen they talk abt ur moral duties...

"so see this is the system's fault not mine" the answer came..

Oh now u talk abt society....
we people are the most selfish creature of the world...when we commit an error we see it's because of the society..and wen u actually can build a society......u say fuck I damn care...
I remember a line from matrix...

I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species and I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague...

Is this what we are?? We are not an ordinary mammal..we have a gift to express..and when we have the freedom to express..one need to understand the moral duties behind it..because this world is not full of leaders..this world is full of people who rely on leaders and wen they idolizes u ..at least live up to their expectations....Jus think before wen u express..is it acceptable if my own little brother or little sister read it...if u do not care..no one will blame you...but remember now u became the one that u r fighting against all the time....

Keep expressing but remember to make them understand the real motive behind the expression who can't apprehend it....it's not that difficult...
but we have are born with same mindset..rights are mine..and duties are supposed to be done by others.....and u in born in the freeworld... :)

Nuffin more to add...coz I kno wen u think u r popular..u r blinded by ur own vanity..and i kno vanity and sanity never go along...so it is useless to blame...but now at least m satisfied that I tried..

A special note to my dear frnd whom I regarded and still regard as my little brother...

" Brother..it is my duty to show u the rite path even if u don't like..as I kno u can lead the world out of darkness so I don't want you to be knight of the darkness.... Everyone has a darker side...don't ever think that u only have one ....so no one will sue u up :)..not becoz that u got plenty to sue the one back...or the one is afraid to see ur dark side....it is because..no one really cares..and I so wish that u had witnessed the mayhem that u created..but alas this is my to bear......I kno u r a free soul and u had suffered a lot..so help me bring an end to those sufferings in the world....so that the world become more beautiful than it ever was...Rest u have gone adult and I kno you don't need me ...but I did what I felt rite for u...God bless u and give more strength to ur spirits...Amen!!!"

Feeling so lonely... (modified)

It's 3 : 30 AM here..and I can't sleep..this indifference of her is killing me..it's not that for the first time I m feeling this..but everytime..I love sumone..and she gets indifferent..I don't blame her though..coz I brought this upon me ...
Cindy was there so long...she has this wonderful touch that helped me forget all those..but I dint went to sleep afta she left...and instead went to have tea..and now m having the joint in my hand..I am so high..so lonely..so sleepy ...yet can't sleep..and then this song came in my playlist...

It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Theres nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
Its just the way that you would tied in
Now theres no-one home

I grieve for you
You leave me
so hard to move on
Still loving whats gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on

The news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
While the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
And I cant handle this

I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing whats gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on and on and on

Life carries on
In the people I meet
In everyone thats out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Its just the car that we ride in
A home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Did I dream this belief?
Or did I believe this dream?
Now I can find relief
I grieve...

But can i find relief ??..but believe me..I grieve..m no robot..I also feel the pain when m heartbroken...even wen it's not my first...

................
................

PS: thx to keshi, Anurekha mam n cindy for being with me in the rough patch..
abhi anjuli di ki daant khani bhi baaki hai :D..abhi wo mujhe itna saara dhakkan bolegi :P

Good wishes to her too..I kno it's not easy for her...and also m glad that she scored 84.7 % in her finals...



This is the video link of the song..its OST of City of Angels :)



and the mp3 link

My Confession

So I have got wat i deserved ..loneliness

so this is wat I did to her......

I started the whole relationship wid her by faking my emotions..my love for her ... dat I found her a tough to get and I used up all my tricks to get her love me...jus to win her..

but wen she started loving me...everything changed..i fell for her..i started loving her like anything...my morning never started if she dint call..I loved her like anything...I grew up a wall around me so that she gets protected from the real me and I can bury my real self..
she promised me to leave her family for me too..

but den one day .. day which was very special for me..she succumbed to her family pressure about deleting me outta her life..and she told me..i cant be wid u anemore..
she was silent for two days..den she started the courtesy calls..and den she too realised dat it was hard for her to leave me...

but these days of love silence had broken those wall..I started feeling insecure about her..I was going to take a vital decision and I found myself unsure dat if I proceed further in this ..may be one day wen i will be in no point of return..she might succumbed to her family again..and I wud be left alone..my real me started kicking out..telling me everytime dat i faked the start wid her..one day she will kno and she will leave me forever..it's better to take her out ur life..my all those violent urges returned back..i started getting afraid of the term love and my real me started to make this love dissapear..I needed to tell her the truth..becoz she was such a nice girl..she dint deserved to be dumped ...like I dumped many and got dumped due to dis...so I needed to put my real self to her..dat the whole relation was based on lies..
So I told her all that....

she then asked me
"how cud u do dis to me.."?

she was right..and I dint had any answer..I told her dat i dont know..I never took rejection well..
and she said.." but I loved u "
and I found myself staring at the horrible picture dat she had in her eyes..

I am shit a gross piece of shit....
but cant do it anemore..I jus felt at that moment how important she was for me...and how badly I want her back in my life..but I know things wont never be the same again. so I cried I cried and I cried and i decided and asked her to go out of my life so that she never gets anething worser than dis..
I left her...and i left my soul wid her..now I feel myself jus like a fucking moron...but i feel confortable to let out the truth..may be dis is my remorse ..may be this will be my salvation.. to let u all know..how ugly one can be and how good one can pretend to be...I so messed up rite now..

Curse me ...abuse me..

But believe me she was an innocent victim of my real self..an ugly monster..whom I just want to finish forever...
She is an angel and really don't deserve a monster like me...so it's better I stay away for now or may be forever...

This is my probably my last post....and I wanted to clear one thing that..wat I did to her is unforgivable and she was and she is... jus perfect....

love n luck to u all....

Some wild dogs really need to be shot down

Last few days...no..may be for last few months...I was thinking that may be I am creepy..I have a dark side and I had pretended to be normal so well..that many of u will jus say this like...

"It happens with everyone buddy..."
" Wait! The bad time will pass"
" Don't loose hope"
" I am there with u"
" baby! u can share with me "

It's not like that that I don't care for these .... I know everyone who cares will have the same answer....but I know myself..that I earned their care jus by faking myself...I am not that goody boy...I am not the sholder to cry on...I was always a misfit in the human society ..a creepy fellow ..who can really chill ur bones...I pretended so well that I was the good boy in everyones opinion..
I thought wats wrong in it..I am not doing dem any harm..so I pretended it so well that i forgot my real self...

I fell in love with her..and I thot may be my real self will never return...but after the shortest most break of jus 2 days phone silence and 4 days "I love u " silence..my real self came out...and I found myself agian standing on that verge of no return...
How much I tried to reassure myself that " No..this real is actually a virtual" .. I was dragged more towards my reality...

On the day of my 26th year ..I talked wid sumone..whom I got close in jus days..not because she is wonderful..but somehow I can feel me in her identity.....and I saw my image for the fst time in her words...it was really ugly...it was really ugly...she herself wanted to slap me but thanks to dhirubhai Ambani..ab poori duniya meri muthhi mein hai :D ... lol .. we were talking on fone...but she is a real sweetheart...so I kno she won't be telling me any lies....

Then I realised....no Sourish..noone in the world deserves to get such a nasty me in their life..so fst thing I wanted to do was breaking up with her..but its getting difficult ..I started really caring for her...but den also I kno myself dat wont be too long..so today wen I was talking to her and she said " tell me so that I get prepared for the worse " as she already anticipated my next move..but I am not ready to leave her right now...but I kno me she won't stay long enough..but she don't deserve to have that fate...may be it will be better if she go away...may be I will cry and bring her back..but eventually I have this feeling that..I will leave her...I asked for her time to sort out myself but I know it was inborn and it will remain in me as a scar as a sore forever and ever...

I am sick....
God only know the truth....

Death Moves in a Circle

I dont know wat to explain....
My helmet saved my head..but yesterday God was not that merciful with one of my Institute friend..
He was riding a bike on highway..where a truck hit him ..splattering is brains all over..and he was lying dere for more than four hours.. :( and was brought dead... :(
My hands are trembling...
God be merciful and let his soul rest in peace.
Amen!!

Plz frnds if not for ur own sake..at least sake for ur loved one..wear helmet and avoid highways unless necessary.....:|

I am scared..literally scared ... :|

We Met and We Parted

Hope my silence will express it better than my words...
And the funniest part...I don hav any one to blame...
She asked for two months..and I m giving her the two..
One thing that I will surely miss... saying "I love you"